Dealing With Mother's Day

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Above: Current Time And Weather In Flagstaff, AZ USA

NOTICE: Most all postings won't be as melancholy as this first posting. Thanx for your understanding.

Random Quote: "When there's no place left to go, then that's when you'll know." - Unwritten Law

Feelin' Blue
It's one day short of two weeks since my mother passed away from conditions complicated by diabetes. This last Sunday was the worst. One, I had to work alone (I'm a driver for a local produce company that delivers to restaurants) and two, it was mother's day. I'm so sick of hearing the word "mother" or "mom."

I know I'm hyper sensitive right now about hearing the words "mother" and "mom," but it kills me every time I hear them. You see, my mom and I were not on good terms when she passed.

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"A Foggy Grand Canyon"

That's About How I Feel
The picture above is about how I feel at the moment, and have felt since I found out about my mom. I know it'll clear up soon, so I'll be patient until then. The photograph is of the Grand Canyon, but because it was all foggy that day, all you could see was anything within 15-20 feet in front of you.

Diagnosis
My mom was also diagnosed with Alzheimer's and/or dementia which can make a person really mean, depending on their life-long personality. Well, my mom was the type to speak her mind to anyone at any time, so she was especially rough on loved ones.

She got to be incredibly mean toward the end to where I couldn't stand to be around her because of the things she did and said to me, and believe it or not, to my friends about me as well.

Anyway, the day my twin brother contacted me to beg me to go to California to see her one last time before she passed, she died. That alone has been ripping me apart.

The guilt is hard to push past, but I keep telling myself that it wasn't her that I didn't love, but the disease she had that caused her to be especially rough on me.

I'm Glad I Planned Ahead
I'm really glad I sent her a letter a few months back telling her I loved her and always will, regardless of what has happened in the past. I made sure I told her exactly how I felt and why it's difficult for me to see her, but emphasized I can't help but love my mom.

It's true, I loved my mom, but couldn't stand to be with her toward the end.

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"Foggy Grand Canyon Rocks"

Resulting Appreciation
One especially good thing that has resulted from the loss of my mother is that I have come to realize how much I appreciate family and friends. I now look through eyes with a better view of relationships.

My brother's and I weren't necessarily close, but what a coming together! I've talked to my brother's more over the phone since the death of my mother than I have in the last couple years combined. We've certainly become more close, and I'm thankful.

Feelings, or the lack of
I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't want to hang out with friends, I don't want to work, but I still go to work. I usually just want to sleep. I went to bed yesterday at 4:30 pm and woke up this morning at 5:15 am. I slept more than 12 hours. Crazy!

I force myself to eat despite the fact I'm not hungry. I push myself to do this and other things around the house. My laundry and dishes are piled up waiting for someone to do them.

I feel as though something's missing.

Another Season of Testing
This is where character is tested and perseverance must kick in to continue with what was once normal, even though things are not the same for me.

Memories can keep the flame alive, but it will eventually fade into time. So, I must find something to distract me from the pain and establish new (good) memories so I can go on with life.

The next few months (this season in life) will direct me in new ways and different paths. I dread the days to follow because they will be virtually the same as the last 13 days, but I look forward to what they will bring my way. Regardless of what comes my way, I will strive to make it/them good.



Above: An up-to-the-minute picture of the Flagstaff, Arizona USA area. Looking North toward the San Francisco Peaks from a dorm at Northern Arizona University.